Friday, April 29, 2011

Tonight it hit me.  I was sitting alone, in my car in the driveway, CRYING!  Pretty ridiculous if you ask me...but it seems to be the norm lately.  

My world has crashed down around me. I was hoping to at least get a letter today, or something to pick me up a bit, but it didn't happen.

In one way it doesn't seem like it has been that long.  Only roughly 4 months. But when I think of all he has missed it seems like he has been gone forever.

Things have changed quite a bit in the past couple of months. I've moved out of our beautiful home, and into my own... I've sold just about everything we owned outright, and it's been a nightmare since he left.  I switched the boys schools, I no longer frequent the same bars and hangouts because I just simply can't put myself through the misery of listening to every single person asking me questions, prying for information (only to turn around and run their mouths), and just making me a wreck.  

Not a day goes by that we don't think or talk about him.  We laugh, we joke, we reminisce, and we cry happy tears and sad tears... sometimes all at once.  I wish I could be the rock for my kids... the one that is keeping them together... but truth is, I can't even do that for myself!  Dane was always the strong one.  I never have been.  

As for me, there's been a lot of change since he's been gone.  I've battled back and forth with myself about waiting on him.  Some days there is no doubt in my mind that I want him and only him, but other days... when the resentment and anger hits, let me tell ya!!  I went down to 115 lbs, back up to 130, and now back down at barely 120.  I'm a friggin' mess to put it lightly.  I don't eat, sleep, or do anything I used to do regularly.  Some days the only thing that gets me out of bed is my kids begging me to do something with them.  And even then, my mom or best friend have to call me and beat me up until I finally agree to go about my daily life.  It's pathetic, it's sad, and it's sickening.  No doubt.  But I've made myself a promise and I've made my man a promise.  And that promise is that I will not put my life on hold!  I will do the things I WANT to do, and I will do the things I NEED to do.  I'm going back to school!  Yep, you heard me.  Anesthesiology, baby!  

There are times though that I still expect to see him playing video games with the kids when I get home from work, or see him outside throwing the football with them before dinner, chasing them around and making them scream, smack him for pinching my ass, or for calling me "boobzilla", or hear him make a smart ass comment when I'm watching a crazy-stupid reality TV show. Even sometimes when I'm asleep I feel his arms around me and wake up only to realize that he is gone and it's going to be a long time till he comes back.  That's when the emotions kick in hardcore, and the tears just never come to an end.  

I remember February 11, 2011 like it was just yesterday.  My youngest son's 3rd birthday.  One that none of us will ever forget for years to come, unfortunately.  And not for the right reasons.  :-(

Sometimes it's so hard to wrap my head around the fact that he's gone.  Gone for a very, very, very long time.  It pains me to even write this as tears swell up in my eyes.  As I always say... I saw this day coming -- I just never imagined it to be so soon.

If it wasn't for pictures, and the memories and everyday comments my boys make... I think our relationship would now feel like it was all just a dream.  

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