I sometimes feel envy. I sometimes get angry. I sometimes feel guilty. And I sometimes feel lost in this world. Being the girlfriend of an inmate, I go through a roller coaster of emotions pretty much every day. And I can’t understand it other than the fact that no one around me understands.
I am envious of those who have their husbands at home and have the audacity to gripe to me that “He left his clothes on the floor again.” Or “He didn’t get me what I wanted for my birthday.” I wish I had those problems. I wish I could complain about something like that. I wish that I could just be able to touch him when I wanted to. And then I get angry.
I get angry at those who don’t understand and ask me “Why are you still with him?” or they try to tell me why I should leave or all of my man’s faults. I get angry because of those who so seldom appreciate these little insignificant things that I don’t get. I want to scream and yell at them to suck it up! “At least you have your husband” I want to grab them and shake them and say “WAKE UP! You have everything!” But I don’t. I empathize with their imagined trials and fume silently. And then the guilt sinks in.
Guilt is a funny thing. I feel guilty for these feelings I have towards women who honestly just don’t understand and probably never will. It’s like a child who asks an impolite question out loud in public because they just don’t know better. But I feel guilty about more than just that. I feel guilty when my kids are dying to do something and I just can’t afford to do it.
Lost and wandering in an abyss of nameless faceless enemies all wanting a piece of me. I feel pulled in 15 different directions. I feel lost with no one who understands my situation or my problems. And I fall on my knees and cry to the heavens asking God “Why me?” I never have gotten an answer. But that’s okay. Because there are more people out there like me. And I can reach out to them. And I can help them. I can lend my heart or just be a friendly shoulder to cry on. And when they ask “Why me?”, I may not have the answer. But I will understand and love them because they are my sisters.