Saturday, April 16, 2011

Letter From JR

Hmmmm, yeah, he's definitely mastered the skill of sweet talking.  But I'm in tears over here!! 

Hi Boobzilla, 

I'm here to make amends even though I know you don't want to hear it.  I've had my chance, too many in fact, and all the times I let you down, and the devastation I have caused you is a burden for me everyday.  I take full accountablity for all the pain I have inflicted upon you and the kids.  I got the pictures today.  I miss you and the boys more than you will ever realize.  I have been thinking way too much while I've been in here.  I messed up an incredible life and deeply regret it.  I am very sorry for anything and everything I have ever done to hurt you; I hope you know that.  I was never fair to you.  You gave me everything I needed, and on top of that, you loved and supported me in everything I did.  Even when I was consistently fucking up and had no direction or intentions of being the man you deserved, you kept encouraging me and telling me that things would work out.  You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I have ever had.  No matter what happens to us in the future, I will always love you with every breath I take.  

Being here for the last month and a half has given me a new outlook on life.  I'm trying to remain optimistic but it's pretty fucking difficult.  I have to say it is strange being sober, but I feel so much better it's ridiculous.  I don't know why I waited so long.  Your presumptions throughout our relationship were always accurate.  I was not the man I wanted to be or ever thought I would be, and furthermore, I didn't measure up to your caliber.  I know we'd both like to forget everything that has happened, but give it time and you will see.  I am very remorseful for all the mind games, lies, broken promises, manipulation, and heartache.  Words don't even come near to explaining how awful I feel about everything.

All I do everyday is think.  This place is like a living hell.  I've met some interesting people, but it's just not like being home and doing what I want when I want to.  I feel like a part of me is missing but I can't seem to figure it out.  In all honesty, I'm not having withdrawals from the alcohol or drugs.  More so, you and the boys.  I miss laughing with you guys, wrestling after dinner, playing football in the yard, and shaving cream fights in the bathroom just to list a few.  Talking to you guys on the phone is the hardest part.  I love listening to the kids' belly laughs, but it brings tears to my eyes thinking about all that I am missing out on daily.  But, just so you know, the thought of being with you guys someday is enough to get me through this.  Oh, and the thought of a homemade meal doesn't sound half bad either.  I think I'd rather starve than eat this shit.

Tell the boys to kick some ass in baseball this season.  I will miss coaching them.  Give those studs my love, please.

And just for the record, when I say I love you, I mean it with every bit of my body, with every hair on my skin, with every cell making me up, and with every breath I take. When I say I love you, I mean I love you with every bad mood you’re in, every tear you shed, everything you don’t do but should, every white lie you tell people, with every sad story from your past, with every time you came late on a date, with every flaw you might have. When I say I love you, I mean I love you with every smile you put on my face, with every smartass comment you make, with every kiss you give me, with every hug you wrap me into, with every touch of you against my skin, with every falling asleep and waking up next to you. When I say I love you, I mean it with every fiber my body is made up of, with every molecule I consist of. When I say I love you, I mean it.  Always and forever.

Keep smiling and please know that I think of you day and night.

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