Friday, March 11, 2011

What Next?

At first, I didn't tell a soul.  Now when people ask, I tell them the absolute truth!  Because at the end of the day...I really don't care what people think about my family.  If people are going to judge me for my man's actions, then I don't want them as friends anyways.  


I just got an email from my 5 year old's kindergarten teacher telling me that he has been regressing.  He no longer participates in classroom activities, he sits against the wall at recess, he is very shy and quiet, and just not himself.  I have been so apprehensive about telling people within the school district about this.  The last thing I need is for something to go down and my kid get the blame and the casual "oh, well his mom's boyfriend is in prison, what do you expect?" bullshit.  People are too judgmental, and as much as I don't give a shit about what people think about me -- I do care about how my kids will be treated and looked at.  I'm sure once some of the moms at their school hear about this, they'll stop allowing playdates.  I mean honestly, what closed-minded person wants their child playing with a criminal's kid?  I can just see it all happening as I type this.  If I hadn't been put in this position, I'd probably feel the same way.  I wouldn't want my kid subjected to anything like that.  Thank goodness all of my close girlfriends are so supportive, and my kids have their best friends no matter what the outcome may be.

As far as telling my kids where Daddy Dane is, at first I lied and said he was on a business trip.  Then Noah answered my phone one time and heard the automated voice say "you are receiving a call from inmate _____ at Denver County Jail, press one if you wish to be connected" and he KNEW what was up.  Mama was busted!!  I've recently told the oldest two... because I can't lie forever.  Kids are the furthest thing from unintelligent.  But I'll keep telling my youngest that he is in a grown-up timeout for now.  ;)

I want to break down and cry.  I knew it affected Brody drastically, but I had no idea.  He is different when he is around me.  I know the feelings that are bombarding our family, and I try and talk openly with him.  I tell him to snap out of it when he's grouchy or sad, and I try to do the same.  But's it is not easy.  He and Dane were SO close.  Like so close that I can't even explain it.  They just shared a bond.  And unbreakable one at that.  I know he needs that father figure that Daddy Dane has become.  All 3 of them need that!  And I'm trying to do the things with them that he used to do... but it's just not the same and I get that.

On the other hand, Noah is very open about this.  He has told just about e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e.  He misses him, I get it.  It's all new to him and he doesn't understand that it's private family business.  I think after I sat down and talked with him, that he talks about it less to strangers now.  It was adorable when he came home from school and said "Mom, mom, mom!  Chase told me his dad is in county jail too." -- it's like their own little kid therapy group.  Haha!!
What about pictures?  That's another concern.  Anyone that has seen my house knows that I am ALL about the memories and the pictures that go along with them.  My walls are filled beautifully, and all my bookshelves and mantles.  Do I take down the pictures of him?  Or leave them up for positive memories of him?  

I'm accepting this more and more everyday.  It is my reality whether I like it or not.  Yes, I am in for the long haul, but no I will not put my life on hold.  It's going to take some time to pick up the pieces again... but once I do, I plan to embrace this as my "now".  I will go on with my life.  I'm not sure that I'll date again.  I really have no desire.  I HATE dating and everything that comes with it.  I like what I am comfortable with, and someone I am comfortable around.  That's Dane :).  I don't really want anyone else.  That connection is so incredible, and the feelings are so overwhelming that I just can't see myself with anyone else.  Nor would I put anyone else in that position...because yes, I am still in love with another man and most likely always will be.  Every man I've ever dated in between and around our little breakups, I've always compared to him.  It's just something I do.  Dane and I have a connection that I will never have with anyone else, and that he will never have with anyone else.  Yes, we have our moments...but we've always come back to each other one last time.  And probably always will!!  And I am okay with that.  Who knows what's next.  

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