Faith

It was two years ago that what I thought to be a night out with my girlfriend Heather, turned into falling in love with a man I'd normally never even talk to.  We were at a bar I'd never ever dream of going to.  He and his friends were doing things I hadn't done since college, and I was just so miserable and really just wanted to go home.  He constantly blew up my phone for the next 2 months until he finally convinced me to go out with him!  I figured I had nothing to lose.  I don't know what the hell it was... but I sure got attached.  Maybe because he had mastered the skill of sweet-talking ;) or maybe it was that grin that could get him out of ANY trouble he was in with me.

He would constantly tell me that all he wanted was to be with me. He said being with me was better than being with anyone else. He loved and enjoyed my kids as much as I did.  Which was highly important to me.  For once in my life, I felt wanted and loved. And in turn, I fell for him. For me, that was the largest part of his charm. Of course there were other things. Similar interests. How he treated me, how he talked to me. But above them all was the way he clearly wanted me. He wanted to spend every night together and the only reason we didn’t was because I have so much chaos right now. He would do anything to lure me to his place more often. He wanted to move in together.


In all honesty, I’m scared for us right now. Opening up and closing down are both very hard for me. It cost me so much to let go the first time and *try* to move on.  But the emotions that came back, were just the ones that never went away.  And won't. It cost me so much, and it will only cost me more to pull back and try and move on with ease again.

I guess I just feel like an idiot for thinking that I wouldn't wind up hurt or in another bad position.  But worst of all, I've put my kids in a very tight spot.  They are too young to really know what the fuck is going on.  And more importantly, their innocence is by far more valuable to me than any man is.  Even though I love him.  Truly, madly, deeply.  I love him with every fiber in my being -- that has been tested through and through... I just can't put my kids in harm's way, and certainly can't put them through the slow hell that I am going through.  They know.  They aren't gullible.  They know something is up, and that mommy is a wreck.  They see me cry over the simplest, most ridiculous things and they hear conversations.  They HAVE to know what's going on.

It's been two weeks.  Two weeks since the last hug, the last kiss, the last laugh, and the last phone call asking what was for dinner.  We were finally working things out -- finally ready to actually commit.  He was stepping up to the plate and I couldn't have been happier.  We moved back in together, melded our lives together yet again and wham - it was all ripped out from under me.  My safety, my security, my happiness.  It was that butterflies in the stomach, weak in the knees crazy rush kind of love.  I loved falling asleep and waking up holding each other.  I loved how he couldn't sleep unless his leg was over mine, or touching me in some way just to make sure I didn't leave the bed in the middle of the night.  I loved how we could just sit and talk for hours and truly enjoy every minute of the absolute ridiculous banters.

Every morning we would sit on the porch and have that first cigarette, coffee, and just talk until it was time to wake the boys.  We loved watching the sunrise together.  So peaceful and just reminded us of how beautiful life truly is.

I can hardly type this right now.  It's just tearing me up inside.  I knew this day would eventually come.  I did.  But I had no idea it would be this soon, and no idea this would be what it was for.  It sucks knowing that I was part of his lie.  That I was lied to time after time after time.  He told me everything was great, fine, dandy.  But it wasn't.  Or else he wouldn't have been taken away from me and my boys for the next 10 to 15 years.  He wouldn't be missing hockey practices and games, he wouldn't be missing birthdays, he wouldn't be missing parent/teacher conferences, and my kids wouldn't be wondering where the hell Dane is and when they get to talk to him and laugh with him, and joke with him.  They miss it.  But not as much as I do.

The worst thing about this situation is that it's out of my control and there is absolutely nothing I can do, except wait and pray. The waiting part is the hardest, you feel in the dark about everything, not knowing what's really going on, not knowing what will happen, just racing thoughts followed by headaches and more headaches.  I feel like we've already lost so much time, and this is just the absolute worst.  Everyday when I wake up it's so incredibly hard to get out of bed, I keep asking myself, for what? Why should I get up? To be reminded that my world has been smashed to pieces? That alone is a struggle, but I've been doing it. I've got three kids, a career, and bills to pay.  I'm still in shock.  I have to take sleeping pills to fall asleep or else I'll sit there and think all night long.  

I spent the first 76 hours without sleeping or eating and was throwing up to the point of throwing up blood.  My body stopped functioning the way it needed to, and in return I relapsed and had 4 seizures.  My girlfriends got so worried and knew it wasn't like me to not answer my phone, and thank God for Mandee's gut, telling her to coming over.  I had fallen down the stairs and was laying on the hardwood floor when she got there.  She immediately called 911 and I was admitted into ICU for 6 days until everything was up to par.  It was seriously a freakish experience.

I go throughout my days now still in shock.  That's the best way to describe it. Shock... total shock.  At night, I toss and turn and cannot sleep.  I usually have to fight back the tears that never seem to want to stop from falling. As days go on, it gets harder and harder, waiting and not knowing what will happen.  Sometimes when I write, I just start crying because the feelings and thoughts that I have are just so intense for me to explain to him and it gets the best of me emotionally.  Each day now, I am trying little by little to find more faith, one step at a time.  Because afterall, I can honestly say that faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding onto.