Friday, March 11, 2011

Just What I Needed

I wish I could use tangible words to describe what I'm feeling tonight, and every day for that matter.  But once again, I'm just blank.  You'd think by now I'd be numb to this feeling -- but I'm not.  It just seems to get worse and worse as the days go by.  This is hard on him?  Are you kidding me?  If he only knew how hard it is on ME... when I didn't do anything that contributes to this, and don't deserve to be put through hell because of it.  But here I am!  Trying to hold down the fort without him.

Finally, he was able to call home. I just can not explain it, when I answer, and I hear the beginning of the recorded message, "You have a call from...." and he always says "I love you Baby" instead of his name. As soon as I heard it, I just began crying. Lately, it is like I miss him more than I ever have.  It's weird because when we were together, I always wanted my space.  I wanted us to have our own lives but also have our special bond.  We had many mutual friends, but I did things with my girls and he did things with the guys.  Now that he isn't here, and I can't call him at any second and say "where are you? I need to see you!  Let's get lunch in 20 minutes" or now that I'm not getting my evening hug and kiss when he gets home, or the typical "what's for dinner" phone call, I'd do anything to get all of that time back and spend every waking moment together.  I never thought I'd need him here when I cry... but it seems like that's the only person that could ever take this pain away or at least bring me hope.  It's been a month and a half and it feels like YEARS.  I'm beginning to wonder if I can do this for years to come...

It's almost like I am having a hard time breathing without him, doing anything without him. I really hate this, this constant state of loneliness. Being here, trying so hard to raise my kids, work, maintain our house, doing all of this without him here is just weighing on me now more than ever. And when I really think about it, he didn't do much when he was around anyways! LoL.  Granted, he did make dinner, pack school lunches, pick up the house, do a load of laundry every once in a blue moon, mow the grass, wash the cars, fix things, etc... but it is nothing I can't do without him - if that makes sense. Day in and day out, I face the same things alone.

But, tonight at least I got a phone call. Talking to him was great, feeling his love was exactly what I needed. I want more, as always. He has still not heard anything that I haven't. I'm pretty good at blowing up the case manager's voicemail until the prick returns my calls - or prying information out of anyone and everyone I can. He keeps telling me that it will be okay, and they can't keep him forever, but ya know, it doesn't feel right. Right now, nothing feels right.

I'm sure I'll post again soon.  With the trials, tribulations, and triumphs of a life shared with a man behind bars, I'm bound to have lots to write about.  But, at least I have some light at the end of my tunnel after our conversation tonight, because someday, someday soon, Dane will be home.  With me and the boys, where he belongs!  And he'll never go back -- if that means me holding him down physically, then by all means I will do it... because I never ever ever want to go through this again, nor will I.  And thank God he knows that and understands where I'm coming from.

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