Friday, March 11, 2011

Every Light In The House Is On...

Today I totally broke down at work. I was shaking, tight chested, tingling fingers, everything was spinning, and uncontrollable crying. This is so hard for me. 

To wonder, is a dangerous thing. By definition, it is to think or speculate curiously. As an addict, we are told that we can not control our past, and not to dwell on that. Not to wonder about all the what ifs in life. As adults, many of us are taught, this is life, take it or leave it, stop wondering about what would have happened if only.  Basically, we are not really "supposed" to wonder about anything.

When I met Dane, almost 3 years ago, I forced myself to not wonder. For me, it was a curse to indulge those thoughts. I was left in tears, sobbing uncontrollably if I started to wonder about my life, his life, our lives. If I began to wonder about all the things he did wrong, all the nights of trusting him when I knew damn well something was up, then I was left depressed. So many nights, days, weeks, months, I was just stuck in my depression. I felt stupid, felt betrayed, and then I was left to just sit and wonder.

Now, he is gone. Gone for a long time. Again, I can't help but go back to the good ol' wonder. I am constantly thinking of all the what ifs, all the things I realistically should not be thinking about, all the things i know I can not control. But alas, I can not seem to stop. Imagination is something I long to hold on to, that so many of us as adults tend to lose because we "grew up". I am imagining all of these things, some good, some bad. I can not make sense of them, or stop them. I try to think positive, and stay in the now of this, but it just feels like I have been frozen all this time, and now, it is time for life to start again...without him.  But how?

Here come the "what ifs". What if he doesn't like me, what if I don't like him, what if he relapses, what if I do, what if he can't handle life outside, what if he gets all "controlly" of me, what if he wants me all to himself all the time and I just need a break, what if the resentments come back, what if we forget to forgive, what if the kids aren't happy, what if this, what if that. So many thoughts are spinning in my head right now.  Do I wait for him?  Do I move on?  Do I keep going but not date?  WHAT do I do??

I know I can not think all these things, or shouldn't think them, yet at times, this is where I am. I am in love with this man, and I know in my heart of hearts things will work. I know this. I feel this. I believe this. They always do!  We've never been apart longer than a month.  And when I say that, it means we weren't living together!  We'd still see each other, we'd still talk/text everyday.  That's just how we're wired together.  Then why am I wondering so much?? How do these thoughts keep coming up, and why am I allowing myself for that brief moment to feel doubt and uncertainty when he is the only thing I am certain of and have always been certain of?? I guess all I can do is sit, try to find the answers, and wonder some more. That will definitely drive me to the point of insanity...

Life is just funny sometimes. It really is. For lack of a better word I am saying funny. It isn't always comical, but, funny is the only word I can think of. More or less, if I don't laugh off the bullshit, I would cry.

More to come... I have AT LEAST 3-5 more years of bullshit visits, guards that think they're holier than thou, metal detectors, barbed wire, you get my drift.  And I'm already fed up with it!  I hate it.  I hate the jumpers they wear, I hate the other prisoners in the room, the cameras all over, the deputies watching our every move.  I just hate this!  I am tired of it, and I want it to end.  Now.  I just want to wake up from this dream, but can't seem to do so.  

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