Here Comes My Frustration

We do this funny thing in America where instead of locking up our most dangerous criminals as punishment for committing heinous crimes, we kill them, thus helping them circumvent the misery of a life in a maximum security prison. I say it's a funny thing for lack of a better word, and because we are one of very few developed countries around the world that uses capital punishment. It is all but abolished across Europe, Canada, Australia, most of South America... hell, even Mexico doesn't use capital punishment! In fact, depending on your definition of what a developed nation is, I'd go so far as to say we are one of three developed countries to use capital punishment, the other two being Japan and China.

But why do we bother executing these criminals? Most of them aren't afraid to die, they've lead a life surrounded by death and murder, what difference does living make to them? I'm sure they'd much rather die than suffer the rest of their lives in a cell waiting for the sweet release of death.

They're not a danger to society either. They're locked safely away in maximum security prisons where there are guards armed with sniper rifles and all sorts of gadgets to make sure the prisoners know that escaping will be an extremely unpleasant process, one that will most likely end up in severe pain and/or death.

And life in a maximum-security prison isn't exactly the good life. The food sucks, the living conditions are shitty, you have no privacy, and you have to deal with prison yard fights and getting raped. Oh, for all you foreigners, maximum security has nothing to do with the security of the prisoners themselves (though I'm sure theoretically it's supposed to), just the security of the rest of America. No chance of escaping, and if the prisoner does manage to somehow make it outside the first of many obstacles, they'll probably be shot.

There's a lot of built up frustration and anger here for me.  Not towards Dane, but towards the fucked up judicial system.  Once they have their hooks in you, you never make it out completely.  I don't get it.  I don't get how someone who committed white collar crimes can be incarcerated for as long as murderers, and even LONGER.  I just don't understand one fucking piece of that.  Yeah, Dane fucked up.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again.  He took money.  Hundreds of thousands of dollars... he extorted more money and monetary items from people than I can ever wrap my head around.

That's not my point.  My point is the fact that in the United States today, there is no standard when it comes to punishment and sentencing. This area of the criminal justice system is one that is in constant flux.  Sentencing practices and goals are always under scrutiny. From "getting tough on crime" to more rehabilitative approaches, the views and goals of sentencing are ever-changing.  Of course it seems obvious that similar offenders who commit similar crimes should be treated similarly. However, that is rare and hard to come by.  Depending on the jurors, prosecutor and the judge, the case is coldly calculated.

Today there are many things the criminal justice system aims to do by imposing punishments and sentences. Goals of punishment have moved from satisfying the victim, as in early days, to more of a broad scale. There are theories on how punishment and sentencing may serve to reduce crime as a whole. General and specific deterrence, incapacitation, rehabilitation, retribution, and reformation are just some of these goals.  I respect all of that, but I still think it's fucked up.  I just think it's absolutely ridiculous that a person can be punished for misdemeanors (and felonies) the same way a murderer or rapist is punished, and reading news articles and stories just reiterates where I stand on this matter.  Money can be replaced.  Easily.  A life cannot!

Being Back

We all make choices. And when you make the kind of choices that fuck up my life, what I want to say is that you don’t get to pick a baseless fight and expect me to forget the past and try to move on and build a relationship without resentment. But I don’t get to say that. And deep down I tell myself that there is always more value in compromise than there is in a fight. And I believe that. And I’m glad the fight is over. But now that it is, I can come back to this space and what I do get to say is this: Fuck you. Fuck you and what you've done.

Because some days I just need to talk. And while I really like you, I’d like to talk about me. Because when I’m happy, I want you to hear me laugh; and when I’m sad this may be where I cry; and when I’m hurt, well...we all need a place to bleed. Because I have a beautiful life, and I want to tell you about it. Because my life is just as f*cked up as yours is, and I want to tell you about it. Because I think it’s beyond fabulous that the incredible man wanted me to come see him. But that the best part was seeing him cuss a holy blue streak because I had a Notre Dame football hat on; and that the worst part was having to say goodbye and drive home, and that I cried for at least 90 miles.

Some things I may not want to tell you, but I have learned that I need to say them. I need to say that I may have today found myself in big shaking splashing tears. And locked myself in the bathroom to hide my sobbing from the world. I hate feeling the kind of suffocating pain a woman feels when she has to go through this. And I know that love should never be this goddamn hard. But these are the cards we've been dealt, and I'm going to deal with them.

So my life is gorgeous. And my life is also fucked. And sometimes writing is the only thing I know to do with such a beautiful wreck.

Dealing With Intruders

Well meaning or not, you will encounter people that just really want to gossip and be nosy about your situation. There is nothing more hurtful than knowing that others around you have been talking behind your back and making snide comments about your personal life, especially when you have moved forward and are feeling good about where you are at.

This recently happened to me and it really brought me back to a scene in Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts is at a Polo match with her "date".  She is a prostitute, but the man who has hired her has never treated her as one.  She feels normal and beautiful in that moment, nearly like she is on top of the world.  That feeling crumbles as a collegue of the man comes up to her and suggests that they "get together" sometime.  In a split second she is brought back to where she was just a little bit ago, feeling worthless and less than those around her.

Feelings of hurt come with the territory really.  Just when you feel like you're moving forward, you're always going to have people around you who are just finding out and that means you become the topic of conversation whether you want it to happen or not.
How do you deal with the people that are shocked you are still going to stay with your husband/wife, or those that group you into a felon status with them, etc.  Here are my responses to the naysayers in your life!

1.) The naked truth: I love him. He made several mistakes, repented for them, and is giving his whole heart to restitution and restoration. I am just loving him the way that we all want to be loved.

2.) The boundary: Wow, that feels like a very inappropriate question. I am sure you will understand why I would not want to discuss such a personal issue in the workplace.

3.) The boomerang: Why, have people abandoned you when you made a mistake?

People are typically well meaning in their quest to find out more about you, but they also need to know that if it's not something you have shared before that it is probably something that you don't want discussed or gossiped about.  Finding people who respect those boundaries are hard to come by which is why this is so important.

Never allow others to beat you down for your decision to stay with your spouse.  You're in the minority!  Most people get divorced for far less.  Holding fast to your wedding vows for better or worse is nearly a lost art.  Hang in there, you know the value your spouse has even when those around you question it.

From Good Life to Prison Life

Two years ago I had it all. A wonderful (mostly) boyfriend, 3 beautiful kids, multiple cars, a gorgeous home, and the whole future ahead of me.  I used to be one of the women who did lunch, went shopping whenever the mood struck me, didn't work at all during the summer time, and went out of town on whims.  We owned our own business, had shares in others, and I kept up as a nurse part time and a mommy and housewife the rest!  Things were looking good!

Then my world came crashing down. My man was charged and 3 years later, was convicted of all these white collar crimes.  We lost everything.  And I mean everything.

I used to be one of those people who looked down on prisoner’s wives and girlfriends.  I used to think they were pathetic, had low self esteem and no respect, and basically were beneath me. Now I’m one of them… and it’s my turn to struggle and be judged.  But through all of this, I've learned that there is no such thing as being beneath someone.  We are all human!  With America incarcertaing more people than any other country, many people find themselves in the exact same situation.  It is lonely, and confusing and often fraught with anger and shame.  But it doesn't HAVE to be!  That's why we're all connected in some way, shape or form, and we're here to SUPPORT one another and not judge!  Only God can judge us... we are all human, we all make mistakes, and we all have our own values, opinions, and beliefs.

What my man did was completely selfish and has cost our family a great deal.  However, I take it one day at a time.  I’m a ride or die kinda girl.  I refuse to give up or give in!

After today, I have one thing to say!!!

Just because someone is in prison doesn't make them less than human, and contrary to most popular belief, they aren't bad guys or bad people.  They just got caught!  Yes there are some bad ones in there, but seriously folks... bad immoral people are everywhere.  Lighten up.

Hello Free World from JR

Hello freeworld. 

My cell is about  8 x 13 to give you an idea of how big that is, I can start at one corner and in 6 steps be at the opposite corner. There are 2 chairs and a top and bottom bunk, 2 shelves, and a toilet and sink. This is where I spend 18 + hours a day. I do have a cell mate so there is no privacy at all. The 6 hours out of the cell (spaced out through the day) are spent in the dayroom with one TV packed with 20 or more people so it is crowded and always loud. As far as food, potatoes and bread are served 3 times a day and the rest of the food sucks, but there are a lot of people out there with nothing so I can't really complain. 3 hots and a cot you know? The showers are never hot, lucky if they are warm half the time, and for some reason the water is really hard on your skin. Is it easy?  No. I can't speak for everyone in lock up but for me there are a lot of psychological pressures that at times seem overwhelming. To come to grips with the fact that I am taken out of life is tough and that's what this is, the same as a child receiving time out just on a bigger scale. 


Eventually you have to reach the mindset that you have no control over what happens on the outside and what will be will be. The ones that don't do that have the hardest time. The support from the outside helps so much I can't say it enough. My girl helps me more than you can imgine, she's my rock. She reminds me that there is still a life out there, she keeps me involved in the kids lives and her life and she always reminds me how much she loves me. If you have someone in lock up let them know that you are there for them and it helps them keep their priorities stright. Boredom, depression, guilt, and loneliness are all things an inmate has to deal with. Some people think it isn't so bad on people in here, but all I can say is there's a reason a lot of people break. There are some things I didn't talk about but I'll talk about next time.  Violence, rape, drugs and gangs is a subject in itself. I will say that I know there are people in prison that talk to their moms, wives, family and friends like shit. I have no respect for those people. For some reason there are a lot of guys in here that forget that life on the outside isn't always easy. I give them props for holding it down. Katie is my hero. She is tough as hell and she's doing it all till I get home. I love and respect her. But I loved and respected her before I  got locked up and I will for the rest of my life. If there is someone in lock up that doesn't appreciate, love and trust you when they're down, they won't when they're out. Well I feel like I've blabbed enough, remember if anyone has any questions or a subject to talk about let us know. Thanks for reading.


JR

His post always make me blush. I'm so lucky to have him in my life, I've loved him the entire time I've known him.  I think it's amazing that he and I came up with this idea for him to write about what it's like so that I am able to update people that DON'T get letters from their loved ones.  I belong to a support group called Prison Wives.  All of my notes always provide such great insight, and if I can help at least ONE person get through this...I will sleep easier at night!!  It isn't always easy knowing that I'm his main source of support, but I am, and wouldn't change that for a minute.  It does kill me inside to read about his conditions and know there is nothing that I can do to help and to make him more comfortable...but I'll give it time!

Letter From JR

Hmmmm, yeah, he's definitely mastered the skill of sweet talking.  But I'm in tears over here!! 

Hi Boobzilla, 

I'm here to make amends even though I know you don't want to hear it.  I've had my chance, too many in fact, and all the times I let you down, and the devastation I have caused you is a burden for me everyday.  I take full accountablity for all the pain I have inflicted upon you and the kids.  I got the pictures today.  I miss you and the boys more than you will ever realize.  I have been thinking way too much while I've been in here.  I messed up an incredible life and deeply regret it.  I am very sorry for anything and everything I have ever done to hurt you; I hope you know that.  I was never fair to you.  You gave me everything I needed, and on top of that, you loved and supported me in everything I did.  Even when I was consistently fucking up and had no direction or intentions of being the man you deserved, you kept encouraging me and telling me that things would work out.  You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I have ever had.  No matter what happens to us in the future, I will always love you with every breath I take.  

Being here for the last month and a half has given me a new outlook on life.  I'm trying to remain optimistic but it's pretty fucking difficult.  I have to say it is strange being sober, but I feel so much better it's ridiculous.  I don't know why I waited so long.  Your presumptions throughout our relationship were always accurate.  I was not the man I wanted to be or ever thought I would be, and furthermore, I didn't measure up to your caliber.  I know we'd both like to forget everything that has happened, but give it time and you will see.  I am very remorseful for all the mind games, lies, broken promises, manipulation, and heartache.  Words don't even come near to explaining how awful I feel about everything.

All I do everyday is think.  This place is like a living hell.  I've met some interesting people, but it's just not like being home and doing what I want when I want to.  I feel like a part of me is missing but I can't seem to figure it out.  In all honesty, I'm not having withdrawals from the alcohol or drugs.  More so, you and the boys.  I miss laughing with you guys, wrestling after dinner, playing football in the yard, and shaving cream fights in the bathroom just to list a few.  Talking to you guys on the phone is the hardest part.  I love listening to the kids' belly laughs, but it brings tears to my eyes thinking about all that I am missing out on daily.  But, just so you know, the thought of being with you guys someday is enough to get me through this.  Oh, and the thought of a homemade meal doesn't sound half bad either.  I think I'd rather starve than eat this shit.

Tell the boys to kick some ass in baseball this season.  I will miss coaching them.  Give those studs my love, please.

And just for the record, when I say I love you, I mean it with every bit of my body, with every hair on my skin, with every cell making me up, and with every breath I take. When I say I love you, I mean I love you with every bad mood you’re in, every tear you shed, everything you don’t do but should, every white lie you tell people, with every sad story from your past, with every time you came late on a date, with every flaw you might have. When I say I love you, I mean I love you with every smile you put on my face, with every smartass comment you make, with every kiss you give me, with every hug you wrap me into, with every touch of you against my skin, with every falling asleep and waking up next to you. When I say I love you, I mean it with every fiber my body is made up of, with every molecule I consist of. When I say I love you, I mean it.  Always and forever.

Keep smiling and please know that I think of you day and night.